Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I'm feeling blah today. No reason why I should really. It's a beautiful day. The little heat wave we had broke and now it's true Texas spring weather. Maybe I'm blah because I'd rather be at home with my windows open and being productive there.

I've got some deadlines looming, things that really need doing, but I just can't seem to get my back side in gear. I won't have much of a choice, so it'll get done in the next few days.

I watched three episodes of Grey's Anatomy last night. It's an okay show, I'm not crazy enamored of it like I am Harry Potter, but it's something to watch. In the last ep, one of the character's (George, a surgical intern) dad died. The dad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. And it was so wide-spread, there was nothing the surgeons could do. The dad never woke up from surgery and was being kept alive by the machines. T.R. Knight who portrays George was fantastic. He's probably my favorite character. But the whole storyline was well played by all.

When you go through things in your own life, then similar circumstances on TV and in movies & books become so much more emotional.

Case in point, my own dad died in November of 2009--he didn't have cancer or a surgery, but he became "unresponsive" at some point--it wasn't a coma or being unconscious, just unresponsive.... Anyway, after an MRI we were told he was gone and it was just the machines keeping him alive. We (my step-mother and brothers and sisters and I) had to decide if and when to pull life support. We did and quickly. He died about six hours later with his wife and five kids gathered around his bedside.

All that to say, while watching, I was sucked in. I knew how that felt. I cried with George and his family. Probably harder than when my dad actually died because I couldn't cry in front of my family. I was the strong one--the oldest sister (by twelve years) that kept the rest of the family going during that week we waited, hoping. I don't share my emotions much. I should, but I don't. And it's much easier, it's safer, for me to cry over a TV show than to truly break down in public (or in private really) over a private grief. It helps me to purge those emotions, let them out.

I did break down once during that time with my dad, but it was short-lived. Everyone wanted to comfort me and there really was just no comfort to be had then. So I had to shake it off and be strong again.

Well, this has become a bit maudlin...but it's cathartic. And I'm feeling better than when I started this post, surprisingly.


Regina Richards said...

So sorry you had to go through that experience with your dad.

Jen FitzGerald said...

Thanks, Regina. :)

mtnchild said...

Love you sweetie!!

Jen FitzGerald said...

Love you, too, Momma!