Thursday, February 17, 2011

Back Into the Light...

It's been a really long year. Between financial hardships and drug-addicted-daughter woes, 2010 has been dubbed the year from hell. I suffered with mild depression for most of it. It (the depression and the year from hell) probably all started back in November of 2009 when my daddy died. Then it all went down hill from there.

All that to say that I am finally ready to re-enter my life. For the past year I have escaped to/hidden in the Internet and fan fiction. I've made online friends I don't want to lose, but I am definitely ready to live in the real world again.

Tonight, when I got home from work, I actually worked on the spare room--not just thought about it. It was our oldest daughter's room till she moved out and it has been sitting empty (dog beds and water bowl aside) since her departure last June. Part of it was that if she decided to come home, I didn't want her to think we had been eager to be rid of her. But I'm ready to move forward, whether she returns home or not after her stint in jail/drug rehab. So...I dug out the primer and finished painting the chair rail molding and the window trim said daughter started painting and never finished. I still have to paint the bottom portion of the wall where the baseboard molding used to cover and the small sections from behind the outlet covers she didn't take off.

And you know what? It felt good to be active and moving. I've been so sedentary, really sedentary, that I just generally felt weak and lacking energy.

On top of that, I have had an epiphany of sorts. I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to be a writer. That I don't want to pursue publication. Oh, I enjoy writing and I enjoy learning about different aspects of writing, but getting published is hard and I really don't want to put in the effort and hard work.

I've been trying to figure out what it is I do want to do. And I've come to the conclusion that I want to be a housewife and do whatever the hell I want. If I want to read or write or bake or play a computer game all day or sit in my yard or play with my dogs, then that's what I'd like to be able to do. I really have no grand dreams of being this or that or some other thing. Someday...

Speaking of computer games, I got the second version of a game I had several years ago and have been having fun playing and not putting pressure on myself to write.

It was a good day.


mtnchild said...

Evidently you needed YOUR permission to just "be" who and whatever you want... I hope you go for it.

Love you much,

Regina Richards said...

I know that feeling of wanting to let go of writing. I feel it several times a week in passing and strongly every few months. Why am I doing this? I ask myself. There is no money it it. And on the off chance I might achieve some fame - well, I am an introvert so the idea of fame scares the heck out of me. So why do I persist? Beats me, but I don't seem able to stop yet. So onward I go.

That said, I am a housewife. I admit I love it, but it isn't all iced tea on the front porch. Sometimes it's cleaning toilets.